i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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