i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
We have so much sex to catch up on
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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