you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize
