dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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