I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
