if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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