I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
