just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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