she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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