don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Randomize
