I look better un-naked...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
