I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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