and i looked up. we had an audience...
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
