Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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