just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
