I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
When are your genitals available?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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