True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
