Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
