im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Randomize
