Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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