I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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