I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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