i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
