I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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