i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
