I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
