Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
