You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Drunk is not a location!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
