Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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