My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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