Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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