My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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