dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize