Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
