I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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