Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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