Sry I called you an 8
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
