Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
just come out here and I will go home with you...
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
