Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You're a waste of cheezeits
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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