Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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