yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
