she pinky promised me she was 18
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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