Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
