everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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