You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
