I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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