Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
