saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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