I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
