and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Redeem this text for a blowjob
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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