FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Randomize
