i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
