You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
