the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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