i don't like sucking hair
my phone needs a breathalizer
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Randomize
