Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
