Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
