billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
