Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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