You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
