Betty ford says i'm here all night
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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